Long Term Grief: A hopeful orbit through loss
With devastating loss and continued suffering around our communities, each of us will be touched by the loss of a loved one at some point. Each one of us, in our time, will come to know the impulse to pick up the phone and call someone who is no longer here. Through pressure to remain unchanged, “move on”, or continue as normal, many of us risk the chance to not only honor the loss of our beloved, but integrate the experience of death into our greater selves and identity. We also could be risking our own health and elevating our risk for developing serious and chronic conditions over time.
Where to begin?
Whether your loss was 5 months ago, 5 years ago, or 25 years ago, a container for this pain, anger, joy, and heartbreak is needed. You are changed by this experience in your own unique and nuanced way. You are not the same as you were before. Attempting to resume who you were is as fleeting and potentially as frustrating as chasing your shadow. Finding space in your routine to honor, track, and notice how this loss has impacted you can be a simple and rich place to start. Does your body feel different? If so, in what way? When looking at your reflection, do you notice changes in your physical appearance? How have your relationships changed? Are you exploring the loss of one person or several? Are you less comfortable in large groups? Do you need more time alone? Are you closer or more distant from family relationships? A free association journal can be helpful to track and notice the version of you prior to this loss and you today. I encourage you to compassionately witness both versions as good and true.
How to incorporate?
Each culture has unique and special ways to honor the death of a loved one. Depending on your own background, spiritual identity, and needs, you might explore ways to honor your loved one. You could attend a spiritual service in your community, build an altar in your home with candles and photos, wear your loved one’s clothing, or eat at their favorite restaurant. Your sacred and meaningful practices should be specific and personal to you. As an example, I listen to “Dancing Queen” by ABBA, to honor, remember, miss, and celebrate my mom. Sometimes I choose this song while on a trail run or on a long drive, oftentimes this song will just come on as a little wink from her maybe. Looking for moments to let the loss in can be a painful acknowledgement of the absence of your beloved. However, through this pain and space, time can offer the greatest salve of all, compassion.
Integration of loss comes through the acknowledgment and, hopefully, acceptance, that you are a different person now. There was a version of you prior to this loss, and a different version of you arises now after this loss.
When will this be done?
A wise mentor once described this image of grief to me as a spiral. We orbit through the loss, experiencing a wide range of emotional expressions, coming back again to the start. As we age and grow, large events such as births, marriages, moving, graduations, new jobs, and more death, bring us back for another turn around this spiral of loss. While initially I sighed with frustration, I also felt immense relief. Through this image, I found a deep well of compassion for myself and a release of a timeline or expected date that I would no longer be impacted. By imagining myself in an orbit I could release these rigid, unfair, and unrealistic expectations of myself and possibly others also experiencing grief. There is no linear path forward after death. Only a windy, twisted spiral leading us back to the heart of this change. In my eyes, this work is never done, only ever changing and moving along with time. What image resonates with you?
When to seek professional support?
There are many phrases and diagnostic terms used to classify grief complicating mental health status and outcomes. You might have heard a few such as prolonged grief disorder, complicated grief, and so on. While it’s essential as clinicians that we are familiar with these conditions, I encourage you to avoid pathologizing being affected by loss. With that said, Here are a few emotional, physical, behavioral, and psychological signs that professional help could be beneficial.
Behavioral signs: increased substance use, changes in sleeping patterns, changes in eating patterns, increased/decreased social engagement, possibly risky behaviors like driving recklessly, and a lack of enjoyment in prior engaging activities.
Emotional signs: irritability, flat or disinterested, overwhelmed, isolated or withdrawn from others, frequent rumination/ flashbacks to painful memories, forgetful/distracted.
Physical signs: Weight gain or loss, increased heart rate, rashes/hives, body aches and pains, headaches, changes in appetite and digestion, and lightheadedness/ dizziness.
Community Resources:
Consider attending our 8 week grief group at MCSP. Beginning Friday, September 20th, 2024 at 11 am – November 8th, 2024. This group will address the unique challenges, pain, and barriers to processing and integrating loss. The purpose of this group is to provide space, opportunity and connection with others while coming alongside you on this grieving journey.
Sources:
“The Long Grief Journey” by Pamela D Blair, PhD and Bradie McCabe Hansen, MA
“Navigating Grief workbook” by Anna Darbonne, PsyD
